Pagtatambis ng Buhay: Isang Maunawaing Perspektibo ng isang Sikolohista

Nais kong humiyaw nang pabulong at gisingin ang inyong mga mahimbing na antok. Nagbubulag-bulagan ang mga hindi makakita at ayaw makinig ang mga bingi sa akin. Ayaw n'yo ba akong pansinin at mga sarili lang ang inaatupag? Mga abala kasi kayo sa inyong mga katamaran habang binubusog ang katakawan. Lagi na lang akong nagsasasalita gamit ang pipi kong wika, pilit tinatatas ng utal kong dila ang kaligayahan ng aking kalungkutan. Ninanamnam ko ang tamis ng pait na dulot ng aking pagtitiis; gusto kong liparin ang dagat o languyin ang himpapawid -- ipahihiram n'yo ba ang inyong damot sa bagay na nais kong ipaabot? 

Minsan ako ay nag-iisip kung mangyayari ba ang imposible? Kakayanin kaya ang mahirap? O mamatay na lang sa pagkabuhay? Gusto kong lumaban gamit ang aking karuwagan, ngunit ako'y tinatakot ng sarili kong katapangan. Humihingi ako ng kaunting tanggi na sana ako ay tulungan. Samahan n'yo ako sa aking pag-iisa upang makabangon sa aking pagtumba. Natutuwa ako sa kalungkutan at kahit papaano hindi ako pinababayaan, nakakaraos sa kakapusan, at sa kayamanan ng kahirapan. May gagaling pa ba sa malala? O matutuwa sa hinagpis? Piliin n'yo ang inyong mga ibig at itapon n'yo ang inyong itatabi. Ayun! Nagkakagulo ang mga tahimik at nag-uunahan sa pagbibigayan. Mananalo ba ang talunan? O mabibigo ang magwawagi? Ito ang mga bagay na lagi kong iniisip habang ako ay nakaupo sa aking pagtayo, o himbing sa aking pagkagising sa araw man hanggang sa gabi. Naglalakad ako habang nakahintil, sa maliit na hawla na malawak ang sakop. Nakatingin habang mata ko ay pikit sa mga taong sa akin ay umuusig. Magagalit ba ako sa tuwa? At iiwanan ko sila upang samahan? O talikuran na lang ang aking harapan nang ganap akong maunawaan? 

Pinupuri nila ako ng kutya, pinag-uusapan sa pagbabalewala, nilalait ng pang-aaba, nililimot ng pag-aalala. Malayung-malayo ako sa malapit kahit isang dipa lang ang aming agwat. Tulungan n'yo akong makawala, nang maging malaya sa kasarinlan. Kailan aalis ang pagbabalik at isasama ako sa kanilang pag-iwan? Sapagkat ako ay nalulungkot sa kaligayahan at hanap ko ay kapayapaan sa kaguluhan. Hindi nila ako maunawaan dahil magulo daw ang malinaw kong sinasabi, binabaligtad ang matuwid, at inililiko ko raw ang deretso. Kahit malalim ang mababaw sa mga bagay na aking sinasabi, mauunawaan mo ang di mo maintindihan samahan mo lang ako dito sa aking tabi. 

Diyos ko, bakit mo ibinagay sa akin ito? Biyaya ba? Parusa o ganti ng kapalaran ? Lapatan N'yo muna ako ng lunas at ang isip ko ay kumakawala; ibalik N'yo at isauli sa akin kabaliwan ng aking katinuan. Hinahanap ko ang aking sarili: naitago N'yo po ba at naitabi? Ipahiram N'yong muli sa akin at sa Inyo ay isasauli rin.. Ayokong manatili sa silid na ito at bingihin ako ng katahimikan; iparamdam sa akin ang kaunting pagmamahal -- palayain na ako at kalagan. Nanaisin ko pang mabuhay sa daigdig na magulo at malupit, kaysa mag-isa sa dilim ng katahimikan at maghintay ng matagal sa kawalan. Putulin n'yo na itong mga tali, buksan ang rehas na bakal at ako ay uuwi. Ibalik ako sa mahal kong tahanan at naghihintay sa akin si nanay . . . .

Privilege of a Mirror

In the gloomy and tranquil night when I am unable to slumber, I grasped a mirror and looked myself from it. A light spread and bounced into my face. I closed my eyes, and with clearness stimulated by relaxation my disappointments and faults tend to emerge before me like apparition from the past. I opened up my eyes and even more I find myself mirrored in almost every people I met.

With a kind of unreasonable persistence the mirror reflected thoughts and showed it off corner to corner from the screen of my mind. I see the faults I have seen in others are but reflections of my own. Their flaws, shortcomings and weaknesses, to certain extents are mine too. Perchance, some of my failures have not been as unpleasant or as evident as theirs but there were times I acted the way I should not supposed to.

Even though my letdowns seem less deliberate and I am not the same in some degrees or explicit ways for people who have not acted in total integrity and complete morality I am guilty too of my own imperfection. If I can always hold on to my mistakes I can see my own glory in the mirror and the clear ongoing process of my growth, renewal and transformation. I see myself reflected in a mirror and without speaking confesses the secrets of my soul...the truth that I am.

“The mirror will reflects back to the thinker what he thinks into it.”

My 6-year-old sister was throwing tantrums awhile ago because my mother didn't let her play outside.

Then I heard her murmur to herself, "Lagi nalang hindi natutupad ang mga pangako. Bakit ganon?" (Promises are always broken. Why is that?)

I wanted to hug her and tell her that I tasted more but I, too, don't understand why.

The Bluff in the Prophecy

Necrotizing fasciitis. Mysterious flesh-eating disease.

Which of the two are you more familiar with?

-----

This Tuesday morning, I was greeted by several posts regarding a disease along with a hashtag of "PrayForPangasinan". It turned out that these posts began shortly after the airing of a story about a mysterious disease in the province of Pangasinan which allegedly coincides with the prophecies of Vincent Selvakumar and Jesus Ministries founder Sadhu Sundar Selvaraj. On the 24th National Prayer Gathering held at Cuneta Astrodome on April 2013, Prophet Selvaraj claimed that a fatal disease will begin in Pangasinan which will soon spread in the entire country then all over the world.

“The Lord says there is a place called PANGASINAN. The Lord says it is in the northernmost part in your land. From there a grievous disease will spread all over the world. That will consume the flesh of men; all their upper (outer) skin will begin to decay. It will pierce through the bones. The fear of this disease will spread all over the world. The Lord said that this (disease) will begin from the Philippines."

I, as a writer, have the duty to enlighten my readers the knowledge acquired from my perusal of the prophecy. Permit me to lay down my arguments point by point:

1. The Disease and Its Identity. Little did people know that the labeled "mysterious disease" in Pangasinan is in fact a known disease in the field of medicine. Necrotizing fasciitis, as we all know as the flesh-eating disease or flesh-eating bacteria syndrome, is a rare, easily spreading infection of the deeper layers of skin and subcutaneous tissues. Currently, there are many names that have been used loosely to mean the same disease as necrotizing fasciitis: flesh-eating bacterial infection or flesh-eating disease; suppurative fasciitis; dermal, Meleney, hospital, or Fournier's gangrene; and necrotizing cellulitis.

2. The Origin. The prophecy implies that the onset of the disease is in Pangasinan, Philippines, whereas truth claims that it was first discovered in France, way back in 1783. Historically, several people first described the disease in the 1870s, and it was Dr. B. Wilson who first coined the term necrotizing fasciitis in 1952. It is likely that the disease had been occurring for many centuries before it was first described in the 1800s, clearly opposing to the claims of the prophets.

3. The Cause. Contrary to the current information, the disease is not a mystery; it is caused by a bacteria called Group A Streptococcus, the same bacteria that causes strep throat.

4. The Doomed. Another fallacy in the prophecy is the people at risk -- everyone is at risk of this disease, not just the sinful and unrepentant; however, higher risks are estimated for the immunocompromised, diabetic, alcoholic and drug dependent.

5. The Place. The reason why Pangasinan was mentioned and chosen of all places it simple because it is an easy choice of having this bacteria as there are a lot of fish ponds in this area.

5. Diseases and Disasters are not made or from God. “If you don’t repent and pray, God has planned much destruction all over the Philippines which are very disastrous. The cup of God’s wrath over the Philippines is very very disastrous. There will be much disaster all over the land. The Lord will give you over to flood and waters. The Lord will torture your land with typhoons and hurricanes. The Lord will plague the land with diseases. The Lord will punish your land with famine and scattering,” Sadhu said. From this statement, it simply implies that the Lord made plans of giving mankind destruction, disaster, and disease. However, if one would rely on the bible, Luke 9:54-56, our Lord vividly said that the Son of Man did not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them from the penalty of eternal death in response to his disciples John and James who suggested of commanding fire to come down from heaven and consume the people. God can't do that to us and God will never ever do that. God will never create a catastrophe to the people around the world, but He will allow it. Catastrophe happens because of we, people in this world are sinful. I'm not saying that He can't send us diseases and calamities because He can, but God won't because He is a loving god; all diseases and calamities are a result of man's actions.

There will be no loss if we act in accordance to the prophecy -- repent and pray. Nevertheless, we do not need a prophecy to repent and believe in God; we do not need to experience Yolanda or flesh eating bacteria to have faith in God. If you do not believe in God, he is not your enemy. God loves everybody no matter what they have done, who they are, or what they believe in.

I do agree that we should all pray, repent, and unify though.. with utmost sincerity and initiative.

{1 John 4:1}

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see

whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into

the world.

The Introvert

Dear God,


Hello! 2014 is just a few sleeps away. You know very well how my year went, right? I had a very rough start of 2013, but in the end, everything fell into awesomeness.


Father, I would like to thank You for all the blessings I have received throughout the year. Shall I enumerate them all? I graduated second best to our class, passed in the finest universities of my country, (UP, PUP, UST) and even got the chance to study in one of it, in sintang paaralan. I even passed my Math subject in the first semester. (You know how much I suck in Mathematics.) I met a lot of new people, people meant to pass and people meant to stay. I have been accepted to my dream journalism org. I learned to commute finally, too. And most of all, I met the guy who breathed life into my heart, brought me out of the shell, and made me want to be better.


Father, he's the world's coolest introvert, ever. I knew him via online, chatted for a while, and yeah, we have gotten to know each other a little too well. He's a graduating student of the university I'm studying at. He has a good heart, high hopes, interesting personality, and not to mention a good voice. He's amazing. He made me conquer fear in my heart, he made me open up. You know very much how hurt am I, right? You were there. But this man, wow. The Gift's line suits what I intend to tell, "You saved my heart from being broken apart. You gave your love away, and I am thankful everyday for the gift.."


Times are sometimes difficult for us. It's hard to be the one who always stays, and waits, right? He had hurt me; made me worry to the point of dying a thousand deaths; made me wait and almost let me go because of his insufficiencies and fears. We have our ups and downs, but I swear, I will never give up this man. God, I know I am not perfect and neither is he. I know I've made a lot of mistakes, but I do know that meeting him and feeling this is not part of it. I may not be his first, but I'm hoping I can be his last because surely, what I am feeling as of this moment is probably the most beautiful; best.


Please, grant me this chance. If You will let me, I promise, I will never hurt him. I will cherish him as much as I cherish myself. Let us have this chance, God.


Because Father, I love him. I really do. I can't unlove him and I don't want to unlove Kristian.


I am bound to him..


-----

To the introvert who holds my heart,


Hey, baby, how's everything? I haven't talked you pretty much lately.


I miss the long talks. Remember those hours of conversation? We'd even lose hours of sleep just to keep in touch. I miss the morning texts and late goodnight messages. I miss everything. I miss your voice. I miss your noisiness about us. I miss you, baby.. Geez, believe it or not, I am smiling as I type..


To tell you the truth, I was afraid. I was philophobic. I hated love. I hated men. I evaded every guy. I trusted only a few aside from my father. In spite of these, I felt perfectly fine depending and needing no one and nothing; attached to no one and nothing. Not until I knew you -- my only exception.


Sometimes, things are rough. It's hard to be always waiting for you, because I don't like waiting. It's hard to miss you and not knowing what to do. It's hard that you are out of my reach. I always die a thousand deaths whenever you don't talk to me. Some stuffs are hard for me, baby, because you know very well that I am an introvert too. But for you, my only exception, I tried and I will try. This is love, dear. You overlook his flaws because he means the world to you, and with all these flaws, you're gonna stay. No matter what, no matter how hard things will be.


If only you knew..


I want to be the girl who could always brighten up your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own. Is my smile still enough? I hope so.

I want to be the one you can pour your heart to whenever you're hurting, whenever you're sad, whenever life throws you reasons to frown. Whenever you need me, whenever you want to..

I want to be the one who hugs you when you are cold..

I want to be the girl you can talk to about everything.

I want to be the girl you would watch a movie with. Horror films, baby.

I want to hear you sing, always. Your voice sounds better than all my favorite songs put together. Have I told you that yet?

I want to be the girl you always tell things first, because it's the main indicator of love, right? You want them the first to know.

I want to be the girl you include in your dreams; the girl you take with you as you make your future.

I want to take care of you. I want to love you. With all my heart.

I want to stick around..


I'm thankful that He put you into my life. I will always be grateful for that. You are always in my prayers, dear. Hoping to be with you this January..


From the bottom of my hypothalamus, the seat of my emotions: I love you, Irving Kristian. Mahal na mahal kita.

Unconditionally.
Selflessly.
Always.

- J x

Please take a risk with me.

Pselaphao and Eido

I have lain awake for several nights, I stood up and I pulled out a book from the ledge over my bed. It was an old book I haven't read yet and I was clueless how it came up there. It has no covering for me to know its title and author. I flicked through each pages wanting to find something worthy of note to read. Then I traversed upon two highlighted words, "pselaphao" and "eido". These are two thought-provoking Greek words which have something to do with touch, sight and feeling. Pselaphao as what the book defined it, means to intentionally feel, handle or touch. It is just like getting hold of and running one's hands all over something just merely to look into for the purpose of learning its parts, make-up and substance.

Pselaphao can be compared to people who get along with people for the purpose of only knowing them rather than molding, enlightening, uplifting them or helping them during tough times. Eido on the other hand means to see, but not as in a casual sight. Unlike the first, it goes much further, more to seeing with our minds in order to achieve an abysmal realization and understanding of something. Eido can be likened to those people who reach people to understand and learn them with empathy. It's just like not physically seeing or feeling people, but in a very real denotation reaching out and touching their lives through other ways or medium.

Sometimes we tend to figure out something by actually feeling its presence and looking at with it at close range. But can we understand something or somebody without actually seeing them? We can make connections to anybody without necessarily getting too close or feel their presence especially this high technology epoch, we can reach and make connections with people through different channels. What is important is that we are able to know the vital needs of others and encourage and influence them in good faith. People have the universal need to be important, to have someone who thinks well of them. Every last one of us longs for love and attention. To be significant. It is a stark reality that there are a lot of people who feels unforgotten and unloved or think that life is prickly trail so hard to struggle and too intricate to cope up with making them too engrossed with their setbacks and heartaches that they become unmindful and overlook so many of the small paradigms of how great life and love is.

But the good thing is there are a lot of people out there too who set their own aspirations, outline their own course, spend time and energy not to only reach out these people but to carry others with them.. We can touch lives by insisting not to give hope for those who are in the threshold of their courage and faith or have lost their self worth, that life is beautiful and love is alive. We can change a life by a mere simple touch of kindness, courtesy and caring words. Life is to live to the fullest and love is not just to be taken but to be given too. These two most important things goes on and on... Often times it is uncommon to show love, compassion and kindness because it is much easier to concentrate on ourselves and our own little world than to spare a little time of these things for others. Words may be forgotten, deeds may be put into oblivion but people will never forget how you made them feel. It only takes a moment of love, benevolence, and understanding to touch and feel a heart... and see a life change.

Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile. Love life and life will love you back. Love people and they will love you back.

The Labyrinth of Suffering

“How will I ever get out of the labyrinth of suffering?”

The labyrinth is my conceit of life's unanswered questions causing suffering.

All my life, I keep trying to find the answers to the same questions over and over again. Why do good people have to go through the worst? Why do people leave? Why do we like to hurt so much? Is suffering a part of us?

And then life gives me a clearer view of the picture: that suffering isn't something inborn but rather acquired; that you must first define your labyrinth; that your perspective affects how you tackle it; that everyone has their own individual labyrinth, their own cause of suffering, the part of their soul that always stays dark even when everything else is alright.

I somehow realized that there will always be answers, we just have to be smart enough. We often go far searching, and amidst the journey, we lose ourselves entirely. What we desperate wanderers fail to comprehend is that the more we seek, the more we feel trapped for we get farther from where we are supposed to be. Answers don't necessary have to be in the form of answers, for a question is sometimes meant to be answered back by a question. We, humans, often deny ourselves the simplest pleasure of life - to be innately true, and that's when we label our queries unreplied. Every question has an answer, and every answer leads to another query, which implies that we sometimes either have to let go a few or learn to live with them. 

The only way out of this labyrinth is forgiveness and up. Forgive yourself; no matter how good is your best shot, some things will still be inevitably out of thy control. We are but human beings, bound to commit mistakes. We can choose either to get consumed by our own self in the labyrinth or to acknowledge that everyday we are offered another opportunity to everything. Because honestly, we play a major role in putting ourselves into this maze of suffering, then we disregard the fact that we are also the key that leads the way out. Forgive yourself. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. This labyrinth is optional. Giving in and giving up is what truly makes you sink. There is no way out but up, so rise up, keep struggling.

And to tell you a secret, the only indicator of triumphantly escaping the labyrinth is the absence of "Why" in our lives. 

What is your labyrinth?