The Diary of a Teenager

Caution: This is no work of art, nor a work of my magical fingers in writing. It's just my heart and mind.

So, I haven't slept yet. Last night, or should I say "a few hours ago", I was at my school's event until around 1 o'clock in the morning. Of course, I get to meet lots of people there, and I happen to finally meet someone I've been talking to for quite a long time alreadym and for the sake of clarity, let's call him by the name Von. We talked about almost everything, until the first song of Silent Sanctuary (hooray!) led it to another, which is, feelings and all. He asked if I have a boyfriend, and I said I had. I was surprised with that he said next.

Verbatim:

"Huwag ka munang magboy-friend. Mag-aral ka muna. Madali ka bang ma-fall?

Wala kang mapagkakatiwalaan dito.. so always, always guard your heart."

I have no idea why I felt a tinge of pain in my heart upon hearing that. Diretsahin natin, I'm somewhat feeling down that day (he has no idea that I do, and I sincerely wish that he would never have) pero hind yun yung talagang rason kung bakit nakaramdam ako ng kirot eh. You know that feeling you get when all of a sudden, everything and everyone that hurt you rushed into your  mind in an instant. Parang magsho-short circuit yung utak ko ng mga oras na 'yun. Pero binalewala ko muna, I want to smile for the rest of the night. So ayun, supposedly hindi na ako uuwe kasi gabi na nga, matutulog ako sa kaklase kong si Frances. But I cannot find myself sane enough to talk with anyone. I was hurting and I do not fully know why or even how.

So yeah, hinatid na ko ni Von hanggang sa sakayan. Nung mag-isa na ko sa bus, that's the time when I officially entertained every single thought.. I can still remember everything and everyone that broke my heart back then. It's kind of surprising because I never thought "someone" who barely knows anything about my past could make me feel nostalgic. Von doesn't know that I got hurt by my friends, that I got hurt by my ex, and that I got hurt just a week ago by some guy I went on a date with..

I realized on that particular time how hard it really is to be strong. In my circle of friends and also in my peer, they always look for me whenever they want to pour their heart out or whenever they need an advice. In short, ako ang absorber ng mga tao sa paligid ko. I absorb their fears, disappointments, frustrations, pain, joy and so on. Well, one time I tried to open up naman, sabi ko, "May problema ako" To my surprise, they all laughed and said, "Ikaw? May problema? Oh c'mon. Imposible!" Di ko alam kung matutuwa ako o masasaktan eh. Hahaha. I never really open up to anyone, I bottle my feelings and I feel fine. So for months, or even a year, I gathered different forms of pain from people I loved and never cried nor spoke a word about it. Parang wala lang, poker face lang, except for the fact that I smile. Trademark ko na yan eh, yung tumawa at ngumiti ng ngumiti. So yeah, I keep my problems, think or overthink about it and then conquer it. Imagine, gaano kahirap yung palitan mo ng magandang vibes yung problema mo? I do it, all the time. All by myself.

Pag-uwing pag-uwi ko, nahiga ako. This time, not only random thoughts invaded my mind but also the most  awkward/unusual questions. Like, am I not the beautiful, not that sexy, not that attractive, not that famous, not that talented, to be not liked? Can't someone guard my heart for me? Can't someone see that I am actually fragile and weak? Would it be fine if I somehow trust a little people? Would it be better if I stop evading boys who are interested in me? Maybe, the person I like likes me too but am I being subtle? Really, should I just pour my heart out, tonight? Or just ignore and conquer it as usual? Most of all, have I forgiven THEM already?

An hour later, I fell asleep. But everytime I wake up, the same things occupy my head. So, I decided to write everything. Nakakagulat kasi while I am writing this, pagaan ng pagaan yung pakiramdam ko as if someone made an effort to cheer me up. I realized that, sometimes, strength is found in admitting your weakness. That, being fearless is not the absence of fear of anything but living to the fullest in spite of the things that scare you to death. People never come and go in our lives, they just switch roles and it is intended for a very special reason. People hurt you to teach you, to help you and to shape you, for mostly, the most important lessons in life are learned best through pain. However, no matter how inevitable pain is, suffering is still optional. Don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself the time it deserves, as well as your little heart. Not everyone may not like or love you as much as you do, and no one is to blame. It is not the duty of the person you love to love you back, so just be happy that you felt the magical feeling of being inlove..

Lastly, grab the opportunities. Take the chances. Take the risk. The most painful heartaches are often caused by things unsaid and undone than things said and done.Forgive yourself and love again, you'll never be young as much as you are at this moment. These things are not just in romantic ways. These are the lessons in life and love.

All is well, heart, all is well.